Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
