Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
