listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
