he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
