i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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