Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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