wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
