My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
