Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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