I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.