theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.