I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
