I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
