i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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