Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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