I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
