Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
