please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
