My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
