Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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