never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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