Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize