You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I accidentally burped into my bong.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
