I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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