CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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