we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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