I just saw a hot homeless man
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
