omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
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A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
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And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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