with your own penis?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Pooping to opera.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
