so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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