So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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