Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He did a backflip because drugs
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
