i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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