I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
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Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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