On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
