u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
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But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Your topless pictures make me question reality
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They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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