Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
