nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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