Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
