you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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