I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?