I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
