I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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