I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
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A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
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This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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