I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
