We tried having a conversation with our noses.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
