I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
