So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
