the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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