you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
