Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
