the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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