Just fell off a train. Bad.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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