On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
