Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
