Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
