Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my phone needs a breathalizer
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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