the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
