if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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